​The Voice of the Small God

​The Voice of the Small God

​I can't really understand why I feel like giggling at people's serious talks. Whenever I see somebody coming up to me to talk, I start guessing what they will say. To my surprise, it's happened many times—I’ve made extraordinarily accurate guesses!

​Five years ago, I was not the girl who heard the voice of my mind. Whenever I started talking to a stranger, I heard someone inside telling me about him. I thought it was my 'inborn crookedness' (or 'doubtful nature,' as a friend of mine described it) that made me think so. But soon I realized it wasn't that inborn stuff; it was my super-powered mind telling me all those things. Poor mind!

​But it was too late for me. By that time, I was infected by a disease—'LOVE'—(described as the most dangerous disease that can block any human from hearing the thinnest voices of superior powers, including parents, God, and the god inside). As someone said about love, it had no eyes, no nose, no ears, no sense... (did it have a bump? I don't really know :P). We made many nests and webs about our future. At times, he was like Charlie Chaplin, making me laugh with all his one-sided love stories and the tale of his bulky junior who had a crush on him, which he ignored (I found all of them to be lies later on). I really enjoyed them all. At other times, he was as cowardly as the lad of Mary, which annoyed me to the extreme, especially since I was famous with the nicknames like 'Phoolan Devi' and 'Jhansi Ki Rani.' I thought (due to the continuous tutorials by the experienced lovers of my hostel) that he would change. He never took the risk of calling me or even telling me once that he loved me.

​I was totally free when other friends of mine were like caged birds. I walked like a king in front of my friends but was melting inside. More than that, I was sad about his attitude. He never appreciated my looks. He wanted me to change a lot, and the changes he wanted were ones only God could make (*eg: my skin color*). I never preferred to walk like a girl, or wear nasty colors on my nails, neither on my hands nor on my toes. I kept my long hair just for the sake of my mom and hated my big, rolling eyes, as they gave me an extremely girlish look. And I started developing yet another disease, which still haunts me—inferiority complex :P. Soon, I changed myself into a rude sadist. I never wanted to see anybody happy. A three-year-long journey made me a girl with no lovely feelings.

​The journey ended on a day when he was a little drunk and told me all the true feelings he had for me. He was extremely disappointed with my looks and was afraid of his mom, who worried a lot about the caste of his wife. His dreams and imaginations about his girlfriend were so different. I came into his life as a 'time-pass' type of relationship, and he stayed for the sake of my happiness. I broke into tears. Yes, I was wrong. I never heard my inner voice! I couldn't sleep all night. I didn't know what was going through my mind, but I was sure enough that I was going to wake up with a perfect decision.

​And I did. It took me more than a month to find a reason to tell him why I was leaving. And I found it. He didn't call me for a week when he went home for the holidays. Yes, it had happened many times before, but it became an issue only then. Maybe my mind was set—too much set to withstand all his questions and dramas (which my mind filtered as 'acting out just for me to make an impression that he is sad').

​Then and there, I started hearing opinions from people my mind said "tested OK," and by doing that, I tested my inner voice too. I was a slave of myself—a slavery that was really horrible at the beginning but turned sweeter by practice. Now I live in peace with my mind.

​I now have no confusion in taking decisions. I have neither complexes nor the marks of the old, mean sadist either. :) Listen to your inner voice, the small god in you! And make no mistakes.